137/ Two Approaches To Cozy But Elevated Holiday Outfits
Nine outfits to illustrate + writing from the scar, not the wound.
Dear readers,
My IRL friends know that there are certain delicate topics I’m quite open to discussing.
If I’ve done the work of throughly processing my experiences with, inter alia, motherhood, mental health, generational trauma, the immigrant experience, career change, perimenopause,1 etc., I’m able to speak or write about them from a place of acceptance and I don’t feel so vulnerable2 when putting that information out in the world.
Even if my perspective is considered taboo or controversial, a deep understanding of my own lived experience allows me to face criticism or opposing viewpoints without becoming reactive3 or defensive.4 As I’ve heard it said before, I “write from the scar, and not the wound.”
“The effort it seems to me, is: if you can examine and face your life, you can discover the terms with which you are connected to other lives, and they can discover them, too — the terms with which they are connected to other people. This has happened to every one of us, I’m sure. You read something which you thought only happened to you, and you discovered it happened 100 years ago to Dostoyevsky. This is a very great liberation for the suffering, struggling person, who always thinks that they are alone.” — James Baldwin, Conversations with James Baldwin
Instances of deeply connecting with others, openly and freely, over the joys and struggles of the human experience are some of the most profound memories of my life.
Yet starting last fall I sensed something was off, and by the new year, I felt completely immobilized. I found myself struggling to speak honestly about what I was feeling with friends because it felt too vulnerable. I also didn’t have the words to describe what I was going through.
Not knowing what was wrong, my instinct was to withdraw.5 I disappeared off group chats and was a no-show at gatherings. It took some time to understand that there were some big shifts happening internally and that I now had new “wounds” that were very much open — and still are.
It’ll take time to work through them, but with whatever insights I’ve gathered thus far, I’ve taken steps to make some changes in my life.6 As cliche as it sounds, one of them was to spend more quality time with loved ones.
Around 1pm last Saturday, a bestie texted me to invite our family over for dinner that same evening. Her husband was cooking up a big pot of Irish stew and she wondered if we could enjoy it together?
I met this bestie at bar ads (our bar exam prep course). I spotted her on our break looking so f*cking cool smoking her cigarette in her skinny jeans and ballet flats. This was the summer of 2006, when smoking indoors was legal, boot cut was de rigueur and heels were the go-to. Boot cut and flats have cycled back in fashion, but alas, smoking has not (tobacco, anyway).
We had a bond from the beginning, and even though she left to practice in NYC for a decade, we stayed in touch. I describe her to my husband as, “the one person in the world that makes me feel like I’m not alone.” He knows what I mean, and doesn’t take offence — girlfriends occupy a space in my heart that he can’t reach, and that’s okay, there’s room for all.
Dinner was for 6pm, and I had a full day of errands ahead, but I jumped at the chance to see her. She was back in Toronto now, but we live at the opposite ends of the city. With five kids between us, we don’t see each other nearly enough. With nary a minute to get ready, this is how I showed up:
In my world, it’s not uncommon for friend and family gatherings to be extremely casual, i.e. wearing whatever we were bumming around in that day. Case in point: my bestie wore leggings and a long sleeve tee.
I imagine your holiday gatherings with loved ones are similar. Sure, some of you may have an office party or formal events, but the majority of us will not be attending events this month for which we’ll need to get really dressed up. The other day,
wrote a post whose title had me howling: “Middle America Holiday Dressing”. I don’t live in Middle America,7 but I understood the sentiment immediately.With that in mind, I’ve been noodling over “cozy but elevated” outfits for the holiday season: one “cozy” piece suitable for bumming around the house contrasted against an “elevated” element, and accessories to lever the outfit’s level of formality.
Recall that my lever system has three levers: 1) formality, 2) directionality, and 3) seasonality. The two approaches I’m outlining today mainly involve levering formality. In all the outfits, the pieces themselves are fairly classic, and not especially directional, and their seasonality is also fairly consistent.
Approach #1: Cozy casual top + dressier bottom + accessories to modulate
1) The Sweatshirt
The humble sweatshirt is a great tool for toning down dressier bottoms.
did a whole post about it, and featured a sweatshirt + sheer skirt combo in one of her recent newsletters.I chose to pair my (husband’s) sweatshirt with a fairly dramatic skirt, but it would work equally well with something more pared down, like a simple slip skirt. Similarly, you could switch out the accessories to lever the outfit more casual, e.g. instead of the glitter mules, go for a ballet flat or sneaker.
As I was putting this outfit together, I couldn’t decide how I wanted to do my tuck. I settled for the drop waist on the left, while documenting my indecision so I could show you how to manipulate your tuck to change the vertical proportions of your outfit:
2) The Fair Isle Sweater
Do you have a vintage Fair Isle sweater lying around the house? If not, there’s 200 years’ worth of the eponymous knit at a reseller near you. Contrast it against a refined silk, satin, or other elevated skirt. I chose sequin:
